JMUSB Ranks the Summer Olympic Sports

We’re as excited as anyone about the upcoming JMU football season, but right about now we’re stricken with a serious bout of Olympic fever. There’s no point in fighting it. Let’s go ahead and rank our Top 5 Olympic events. Obviously, we’re going to keep this current and stick to summer events. If we opened it up to winter sports, this would turn into a 3,00o word piece debating whether curling or short-track speedskating would earn the top spot. Without further ado, here’s our official Top 5 Summer Olympic sports.

5. Ping Pong

Don’t knock it until you watch it. I got sucked into a ping pong broadcast Saturday night. And I’m not even embarrassed about it. It has the advantage of being familiar. Pretty much all of us have played ping pong, which makes us think we can relate to the Olympic athletes. We cannot. They are playing a completely different game than the version you played in your friend’s basement back in high school. We couldn’t handle that spin and we certainly couldn’t handle the pace. Ping pong rules. (Caveat: this spot probably goes to basketball, in years its actually competitive.)

4. Gymnastics

Let’s be frank. Gymnastics is pretty badass. In Olympic years, the entire country rallies around our men and women gymnasts. Yet the male athletes are routinely dismissed or even mocked all other years. Which is crazy, because those dudes could flat out rip limbs off the average man’s body with ease. And gold medal winning female gymnasts have Wheaties Box status pretty much locked up. But forget about all that and just think about the actual sport of gymnastics. While watching Simone Biles on the balance beam tonight, I heard the announcer say “This dismount is difficult because…” and like everyone in America I immediately tuned her out. Because do you really need to qualify why jumping, flipping, and twisting on a 4 inch wide beam is difficult? No. No, you do not.

3. Beach Volleyball

I love all forms of volleyball. But I’ll give the spot in our Top 5 to the beach variety. The games are a little bit quicker and the 2 vs. 2 format is a little easier to follow. Plus, since it’s played on sand, the players are more likely to dive. For some reason I’ve been obsessed with diving plays in any sport since I was a little kid. What can I say? I’m easy to please. Bonus points for being played on a beach. Everything is better on the beach.

2. Swimming

I swam all growing up and in high school. I was just good enough to be marginally competent, but so (very) bad enough to really be awed by those who succeed at the highest levels. Swimming has several things going for it. First off, it’s incredibly easy to understand. Go fast and finish first. That’s it. It’s also pretty quick, which enables the entire country to tune in briefly and share an experience watching together without sacrificing an entire afternoon or evening. It’s like the Kentucky Derby. Well, except it has dozens of main event races over the course of a few days, involves actual human beings, and none of the athletes get shot if they get hurt.

1. Team Handball

Like most Americans, I’m not too familiar with the world of team handball. Like every American, whenever I watch it two thoughts immediately come to mind: 1. The U.S. should be really good at this, and 2. I think I could be really good at this. The former is probably more true than the latter. The sport really is like a mashup of all the great sports we love in this country. It’s a blast to watch and looks like it’d be even more fun to play.

Honorable mention: water polo, badminton (seriously, they hit that thing over 200 mph), track & field, fencing and definitely not dressage.