JMUSB Has Some Big Ideas

I received an email from the Alumni Association this week. It said “Have you ever imagined how you might improve the quality of student learning at James Madison University?” Well, umm, no. Not even once. I mean, I suppose it would be nice if JMU students continued to have as great an experience as I did in college, and I’d certainly prefer it if the cops could refrain from tear-gassing them. I don’t think I’ve ever wasted one second pondering how the quality of student learning could be improved though. However, as a management consultant with an MBA this little challenge is perfect for me. My entire existence centers on my ability to come up with random ideas that I will not take responsibility for implementing. So I thought about it and I’ve got a good idea.

One word. NERDS. JMU needs to nerd it up. Majorly. Just fill the campus with a bunch of high SAT nerds. I’m talking wall to wall nerds focused on nothing but academic achievement and inventing all sorts of crazy stuff that will blow people’s minds. Nothing but publishing papers, breakthroughs in the labs, and programming computers.  How will this help the student learning experience you might ask. I have no idea. It probably won’t. But it will help me by making others think I’m way smarter than I actually am. Then I can ride those inflated credentials into big money and just coast through life. And you can to.

I know JMU is a good school. JMU grads are known as hard workers and fun people to be around. That’s got to change. I want the campus to be so filthy with nerds that everyone assumes all JMU grads are off the charts geniuses best left to themselves. Then some company can grossly overpay me, give my own office,  and leave me alone to “think”. I’ll hide in my office all day goofing off, only emerging to tell my coworkers that I’m close to a breakthrough on something they couldn’t possible understand. And they’ll believe me.

This is not a plan for the faint of heart. I’ve already heard all the complaints. “What about all the fun parties?” Gone. Parties are a senseless distraction. Students will be granted one hour a week to play World of Warcraft on the computers they build with their bare hands. “What about all the hot woman?” They’re way gone to. Here’s the thing though. I don’t care. I’m already married to a lovely JMU gal. You snooze, you lose suckers. “What about the humanities and performing arts programs?” You ever take a ride on a sociology major’s yacht? No, right? Cause they don’t have yachts. Those programs are slashed. Math, science, and computers only.

I know it sounds tough. It is. I’ve carefully analyzed it though and it’s absolutely worth it. Sure, thousands of 18-22 year old kids will need to trade the social experience of a lifetime for a few years of unbelievable stress and pressure. But doing so will enable me and you to ride the coattails of their academic achievement to plush gigs and easy living. It’s a sacrifice worth making.

And if the administration doesn’t like it, then my other idea is to just dump a ton of money into sports so I can watch the Dukes on TV every week.